♪ [rock]
[announcer] What are these people running from? They're not.
They're running to the world's toughest competition in town--
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Today, the unemployed take on the environmentalists.
It's the classic battle between the non-polluters
versus the non-producers.
So get fired up for MXC.
And now, here are two guys that will never be in danger--
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
Hello, everybody. We have got a great show today, Ken.
Yeah! What is it? Well, we've got the people
who are keeping an eye on our environment and the people who keep an eye on daytime TV.
Environmentalists against the unemployed. "Unemployed"?
That's what I said, Ken. I'd love to be unemployed.
What are you talking about? You've got a great job. No way.
Yes, sure you do. No, I work almost 30 minutes with only 3 2-minute breaks.
Oh, yeah. Putting in a hard day's work, Ken.
Yeah. Now let's go to a guy who loves to punch his own clock,
Guy LeDouche. Good, 'cause I need a break.
Thank you, boys. You know, if I were unemployed,
I'd sit around in my crotch-less thong eating dolphin-safe tuna
while I pored over the personal ads.
I digress. And now to the events. First up,
the bruising "Great Holes of Glory,"
the titillating "Finger It,"
the swinging "Dope on a Rope,"
the binding "Irritable Bowl Syndrome,"
and Guy's favorite, "Pole Riders."
I'm finished. Take it away, Skipper.
How many of you believe that industrial pollutants
have created a hole in the ozone and are responsible for global warming?
Show of hands now. I do, I do!
Well, you're wrong. Fluorocarbons are beneficial.
I mean, look at the sheen of this coif.
[man] Screw the environment! I'm out of work! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You in the front row, you've got a mouth on you. What line of work do you do, hmm?
I'm Santa. I only work 1 day a year,
and now my medical is thinking of dropping me.
I have a wife and 400 elves to feed.
Well, maybe you ought to update your look. Get rid of that facial merkin.
Do you have any other marketable skills?
I've had thousands of children on this lap.
Oh, let me guess. You have a brother named Tito also.
You're disgusting. I'll just move over here.
Let's go! [cheering]
[Kenny] And we are off to "Great Holes of Glory!"
Now, the object of this game is to find the appropriate opening and pop through it.
Wrong hole, and you may get a mouthful of mud.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. Captain? Get it on!
And we are off and running.
You know, Ken, this is going to be a tough one for the unemployed,
'cause this game actually takes effort, not to mention the fact
that it's in the afternoon, and most of them are usually home watching their programs.
[Kenny] Yeah, like Judge Judy Brown Hole.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. And right there, Wilfred Roll takes the lead.
He's currently on disability for a bad back.
He's not even supposed to be on his feet!
If he get caught doing this event, he could lose his insurance.
[Kenny] Hey, I think that guy's trying to serve him a subpoena.
[Vic] Oh, and taking the lead, Ted Begley Sr. in black!
He once himself to a patch of old-growth Marathon sod.
And there he goes, and he slips in the muck, and...
What is today's muck?
[Kenny] That's fish fudge from Filthy Pierre's Bait Barge.
[Vic] And there's environmentalist Adam Ansel... Oh!
And that's our MXC Impact Replay. He's got balloons on his head.
Actually, Ken, those aren't balloons. They're scientifically designed sacs
that let him recycle his own personal gases.
[Kenny] I always recycle mine in your dressing room. Kenny!
Oh, and right there, trudging along mightily in white,
that's environmentalist Shane Dorian from the Morning Wood Foundation.
He's all the way through, Ken, and he made his way to the vat of powdered ivory,
and he is gonna find himself a California condor egg.
[Kenny] I like California condor eggs. They taste like bald eagle eggs.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. Of course, the team that finds the most eggs will win.
And look at that. The unemployed are really bound up there in that hole of glory.
[Kenny] That's from all that government cheese. Right you are.
There's the MXC anti-protestors working the crowd.
And there's Susie Sarandan. She's stuck in the fish fudge.
[Ken] I think she's making fudge angels. I think you might be right, Ken.
And right there, coming through the door, unemployed Hilary Spank making her way,
and there you can see Susie Sarandan being helped
into that powdered ivory forcefully.
We have got a great competition. Look at them scrambling around for those condor eggs.
[Kenny] I ate 'em all. And she comes up empty. Let's go to Guy.
About what? I'd like to roll you in eggshell and look for the yolk.
That's disgusting! She attacked me, and Guy like.
Ah, Guy not afraid of the tough questions, eh, Ken?
I can't talk. I'm on break.
[coughs] Excuse me, but what is your name and occupation?
Hilary Spank. I'm an unemployed phone-sex operator.
You know, I loved phone sex until I got an ear infection.
Oh, really? I can give you a better infection.
Really? Dare me. I'm going to get you!
[Vic] Ken, the environmentalists passively take the early lead.
I'm back on the clock, Vic. Ah, just in time for us to take a break.
[announcer] Hey, don't mope. It's "Dope on a Rope."
So stick around for more MXC,
tin snip.
MXC is back, as we watch the unemployed
fall down on the job.
Great match-up, huh, Ken?
God, who would have thought those environmentalists would be such tough competitors?
Hey, I think I have the unemployment problem all figured out.
That's great, 'cause those unemployed are gonna have to work harder if they want to win.
Yeah, if everyone would just quit their jobs, there'd be more work for the unemployed.
Ah, Kenny, your little brain's working overtime. [chuckles]
Let's go to "Finger It."
Good day. I'm Dr. Oldus Templeton,
professor of very old things and a type-2 diabetic.
"Finger It," invented by the ancient Assyrians,
combines the menacing danger of freestyle rhythmic dance
with the conflict resolution of Rochambeau.
The goal-- out-finger your opponent and avoid certain death.
[Vic] First up, Chas Heston.
I just got a new blazer, and... do you like it?
[Vic] Smart-looking coat. Chas, of course, the leader of the Soylent Greenpeace Party.
[Kenny] Yeah, they recycle dead environmentalists. And we're off and fingering.
Competitive gesticulating at its best! Look at that.
The professor-- scissors! There it is!
The rock over the scissors! Unbelievable, Ken!
Tell my kids they're not mine.
[Vic] What a shame. Let's take another look. Right there.
[Kenny] Wow. How'd he know to do that?
[Vic] It's all part of professional fingering, Ken--
being able to anticipate the gesture of your opponent.
[Kenny] Oh, there he is, being lowered into the hot, scalding monkey urine.
And eventually, extreme heat will snap his head completely off.
That'd be cool! It's all in the spirit of competition, Ken.
So let's finger it again! For the unemployed, here's Tamara Condiff.
I got the c-clap.
She's a stuttering air-traffic controller from Newark, New Jersey.
And they're off, Ken. The professor starts out with his trademark Assyrian samba.
Oh, she counters with a muddy river dance.
She's completely out-jigging the old scholar!
And right there, a tie-- 2 scissors! Oh, and she comes back
with the scissors again, Ken!
[Kenny] Oh, she totally out-fingered him. Right you are.
Tamara's second set of shears stunned the professor, and we're all tied up.
And now it's time for "Dope on a Rope."
Remember, as they say in the big house,
"Don't drop the rope or you'll draw mud."
[whistle blows] Get it on!
First up, Sid Guzman. I like urinal cakes!
He's a herbicidal maniac from Fresno, California.
There he is, starting off nicely. Moving there...
Oh, look at that. Some good grippage, Ken.
Oh! You can tell he does a lot of grapevine work, but not enough.
[Ken] Oh, man. That dude must be brain-damaged.
[Vic] Definitely some bruising to the cranial grape.
[Kenny] Yeah, that too. Let's move on. Here's Dirk du Soliel.
I'm not an animal!
He's a former circus elephant boy.
[Kenny] Yeah, he got his trunk tangled in a bearded lady.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. Looks like he got tangled up there. Oh, he hits hard!
You know, Ken, you can't put a cast on something like that. I smell victory!
Next up, Ralph Spader, creator of Agent Orange Blossom,
the environmentally friendly scented defoliant.
[Kenny] Yeah, my grandma uses that in her backyard. Right you are, Ken.
Oh! Looks like he's landed on his own backyard.
Oh, and wallowing there in his own lonely, dirty, dirty failure.
Let's take another look. [Kenny] I think he fertilized his flower there.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken, and you can tell right there he's getting a mouthful
of today's safety fluid, which is...
[Kenny] It's from the picket line Porta Potties of the chili makers' strike.
[Vic] Mm, that's good fluid, Ken. Hail Mary!
And here's Lenny Carbone, a priest defrocked for actually keeping his vows.
[Kenny] Yeah, nobody likes an honest priest. Right you are, Ken.
And look at that! Looks like he's going for all 12 stations of the cross--
Oh, and he's down. And he is down hard.
Let's take another look.
Impacting there. [Kenny] Oh!
Forgive me, Father, for I have loser-ed. [Vic] Indeed.
Here's Ida Rank. I like double-knotted hemp!
She heads the environmental campaign, "Clean up our can."
[Kenny] Oh, man! She's gonna have to recycle her can.
Right you are. She goes into a rear-facing keister.
Oh, she's gonna need an aluminum hip pin. Feel your pain!
Here's Heinrich Divorski. He's a grief counselor
who was recently replaced by an mp3 file.
[Kenny] I think I pirated that one. Right you are, Ken.
And look at this. Oh! Looks like he pirated a hard landing.
He's gonna need a hug. Let's go to Guy.
You hit your head so hard! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very hard. Did you hurt yourself?
Yes, a little kink in my neck, but I'm okay.
Would you like Guy to rub some salve on your contusion?
Uh, no. It's feeling much better now, thank you.
[both laughing]
[Vic] And next up for the environmentalists, it's Ray Crack-- Oh, he's down.
[Kenny] Uh-oh. Thank you.
Of course, the founder of McDumpers, the restaurant chain
that turns recycled human waste into sandwiches.
[Ken] Yeah, my favorite was the 3-coil steamer with the swirly fries.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. That's good eating.
The corn shake didn't work out so good. Oh, and he's down, Ken!
Looks like his run wasn't fully flushed out. It's our MXC Impact Replay.
Let's take another look. That's it right there.
[Ken] Right there. He was almost deflowered right from the start.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. Looks like he might have tripped on one of his own entrees.
[Kenny] Right here. He lands in the whole menu.
[Vic] You said a mouthful, my friend.
Indeed. My eyes burn!
Here's Jodi Camel. She's an unemployed wedding consultant for couples over 50.
[Kenny] Yeah, she specializes in golden showers. Right you are.
Look at those thighs gripping on the rope-- Oh!
Doesn't help her out there. Not enough cable, Ken. [Kenny] She's too old.
[Vic] Right you are. I have planter's warts!
Here's Asher Klein. He's an inappropriate tree-hugger. Oh!
[Kenny] You'd think for being a tree-hugging freak, he'd have a better grip.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. I eat corn!
And here's rapper Fitty-Nine Cents,
Super Bowl XXXII's halftime choreographer.
Look at that, a nice half-Nelly into a full P-Diddy!
A 220 Justin Timberlake... Oh! And he's clinging on there, Ken.
[Kenny] I think he's wearing a male thong.
[Vic] Right you are, and he has done it!
Let's take another look at that. [Kenny] It's coming up here.
He's got a good grip. He climbs up.
And right there. He's having some sort
of major wardrobe malfunction,
but he manages to squeeze it off and win.
[Vic] Right you are, and rapper Fitty-Nine Cents
squeezes the unemployed into the lead 2 to 1.
[belching] Oh, hey, speaking of pollution,
you got some on me.
Listen here, young man, that is completely un--
Oh, God, that is rancid!
Oh, man! I think he ate a dead cat.
[announcer] Up next on MXC, it's "Irritable Bowl Syndrome."
Hey, Sparky, put the seat down.
MXC is back, where no one
is environmentally safe.
We're back. The unemployed, 2 to 1 lead over the environment.
I'm rooting for the environment. Really, Ken?
Is there something you do for the environment?
Yeah, I collect old paint and motor oil. Wow! So you recycle.
That's great, Ken. No, I just throw them over my neighbor's fence.
He's old. And blind.
[Vic] Time for "Irritable Bowl Syndrome."
Stay in the bowl, slide down the slope without getting flushed.
I'm fighting the runs! Here's Ted Fonda.
He invented solar-powered strip-mining equipment.
[Kenny] Yeah, their motto is, "No fossil fuels were used to destroy the landscape."
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. He's lined up good. There's some good rim work.
And there it is... And, oh!
Into a full Poseidon. What a shame, Ken.
Let's take another look-- Oh, look at that, Ken.
Let's take another look at that.
What a poor sport.
[Kenny] Yeah, a big baby. He's taking his bowl and going home.
[Vic] Right you are. I'm afraid of paper cuts!
Here's Festus Krill. He's a sewer spelunker from Mexico City.
[Kenny] Yeah, he quit 'cause his boss was always dumping on him.
[Vic] Right you are. There he goes for a rear-facing Tidy Bowl,
and he can't pull it off, Ken!
Oh, and he is flushed. [Kenny] He dumped himself.
[Vic] Right you are. What a shame. I'm allergic to latex.
[Vic] Oh, and here's Glen Fromme. He's inventor of the Sierra Club,
the humane fur-covered mallet used to bludgeon baby seals.
[Kenny] I prefer the "ping" sound of an aluminum bat myself. Right you are, Ken.
And, oh, he is down, and, oh!
He's "pinged" himself against the bowl.
I'm okay with sloppy seconds!
Next up, Randy Rank. Hasn't had a job
since he invented the "We're number 2" foam fingers.
[Kenny] Let's see what he does here. [Vic] Good launch from M on M.
Sliding down nicely. Oh, he loses control, Ken!
Looks like he could use a couple of those flexi-foam fingers right now.
[Kenny] Oh, and he lands in number 1. [Vic] Right you are.
Guys like my lady lumps! And why not? That's perky Gina Jackson.
She makes biodegradable prosthetics, and we spoke with her earlier.
Hi, I make artificial limbs out of mud and sticks.
[chuckles] I said it.
Wow. Informative stuff, huh, Ken?
[Kenny] Mm-hmm. What'd she say? There she is now.
There she is taking off nicely. Look at that. Good balance, good rim work.
Really flexing back and forth. Looks like we might have a winner here, Ken!
[Kenny] Yeah, I think her lady lumps really kept her afloat.
[Vic] And just long enough to score!
I have a song for you! Here's Lisa Leche.
Milk, milk, lemonade! She's a former jingle writer for the dairy industry.
Turn the corner, fudge is made! [chuckles] There she goes.
Some good bowl work there-- A half-Lazy Susan.
[Kenny] Oh, and she's out!
She's been disembowled, Ken.
Oh, well. Milk, milk, lemonade. [Vic, Kenny chant along]
Round the corner, fudge is made!
[Kenny] Where do you make cream cheese?
[Vic] Let's go to the one man who'd know. Milk, milk, lemonade.
Turn the corner, fudge is made. Milk, milk, lemonade.
Around the corner, fudge is made. Get it? Yeah, I get it.
I live with a transvestite in a motor home!
[Vic] And there is Otis Grubbin.
He invented the silent chain saw. [Kenny] Yeah, it's great.
Now there's no noise pollution when they're clear-cutting the rain forests.
Right you are, Ken. And there he goes, oh, into a titled swirly!
And he can't hang on, Ken. [Kenny] Oh, I think he plunged himself.
[Vic] I think you're right. But he seems to be okay.
I've got sores on my back! Here's Sylvester Rock.
He used to run a mobile dry-shaving service.
[Kenny] Yeah, Drive-by Dry Shave. Right you are, Ken.
Let's see what he does on this run.
Racing down nicely. Oh! And into the water. That's got to sting.
[Kenny] Yeah, I think he infected our fluid. I think you might be right, Ken.
I love to fart in my car! Here's Stonewall Granger.
He drives a hybrid Hummer. It runs on his own methane.
Man, I'd love to have a Hummer of my own, Ken, but they're so expensive.
[Kenny] I've never had to pay for a hummer.
[Vic] How could you not pay for a Hummer? Well, I go downtown.
They have Hummer... Yeah.
Anyway, Kenny, he's completely out of the bowl there! Oh, he tried to get back inside.
[Vic] But he cannot, and that is out MXC Impact Relay. Let's take another look.
You can see Stonewall Granger's cup runneth over, and...
How do you get a free Hummer, Ken? Really. Just tell them you're famous.
[Vic] Well, thanks to the famous run of Gina Jackson, we're tied up 2 to 2.
Well, we're all even. Great game, huh, Ken?
Hey, Vic, there was this nuclear scientist.
He was in an environmental accident, and he grew an extra nard.
Oh, come on, Ken. "Extra nard."
No, it's true. It's on his forehead. Of course it is.
[Vic] So after 4 events, we're all tied up at 2 to 2.
[announcer] MXC is coming back, so grease up
for "Pole Riders."
MXC is back. It's the final battle
between the environmentalists and the unemployed.
It's whale boaters and freeloaders.
Kenny, frankly, I'm having a hard time believing
your little yarn about the scientist who grew an extra appendage.
I knew a guy who knew him. Environmental accidents are serious stuff.
They poured acid on him, and now he can shoot lasers out of his middle nard.
One day I'd like to meet your little imaginary friends. Let's go to "Pole Riders."
The object of the game-- firmly grip the head of the shaft
and go from one end to the other without getting sprayed.
Take a whiff!
Here's Royce Jenkins. He's a pro-perspirant.
He uses neither deodorants nor detergents.
A good takeoff. Oh, man!
[Kenny] Look, he's stinking up our sewage. Right you are.
Call me "Stubby."
And here's Logan Plant. He's from Encino, California.
He's an unemployable porn actor.
[Kenny] Looks like he's holding out for a bigger part.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken. Oh! It looks like he just went limp!
Let's go down to Guy for some more insight.
So, what are you going to do to get more work?
I'm working on my gag reflex.
Here, let me show you. [gags]
[screams] [Vic] Here's Walt Wanker.
He's from the Arctic Circle. He's got a huge polar cap.
We had a chance to talk with him earlier.
If it's wet and cold, I'll put it in my mouth.
That's a little disturbing,
but let's see how he is on the pole riding.
Very nice! Good extension!
[Kenny] He just made a total ass-berg of himself. Right you are, Ken.
[crying out]
And this boisterous fellow, Fareed Baba Ganouj.
He's an unemployed Iraqi spider-hole exterminator.
[Kenny] The mother of all losers, huh? Right you are, Ken.
U.S.A., number 1! Number 1, George Bush!
Ah, patriotic fellow, though.
[burps] Ah, here's Chad Fester.
He works to save crustaceans.
[Kenny] Yeah, he combs seaside bushes for crabs.
[Vic] Right you are. It's crusty work, but it needs to be done.
He's on the platform and he's over the other side! [belches]
What a shame, Ken. I don't care. Do what you want. Doesn't matter to me.
And this listless little lovely is Babette Johansson.
She's an unmotivated motivational speaker. Who cares? Nobody's watching.
Let's see how she does here. She takes off...
[Kenny] She's going the wrong way! Oh, God!
There's no padding over there! Let's see it again.
Oh, I can't look! Oh, do it again!
Oh, God, that's hideous! [Vic] Painful stuff.
If it was legal, I'd take an animal for a wife! Here's Bobby Knight.
He wants to legalize inter-species marriages.
Considers himself a bestial-ligamist.
[Kenny] I dated a few pigs in college, but I wouldn't marry 'em.
Right you are, Ken, and look at that! He is into the fluid!
What a shame. Let's take another look at that on our MXC Impact Replay.
Take us through it, Ken. Right here, he's just not used to using a staff that stiff.
Dr. Benson did my surgery! [Vic] Next up is Christa Blazer.
She's an out-of-work she-male surrogate mother.
[Kenny] Wouldn't that make her a surrogate father
and a surrogate mother? Right you are, Ken.
She's both parents for rent. Let's see what she does. She's not giving up.
She almost over-shot the platform. Look at her
using those almost freakishly strong Kegel muscles.
[Kenny] It looks like she's done it, Vic! Unbelievable!
I did it! I think my nuts dropped!
[Vic] Take us through the replay, Ken. I think she's crowning.
I mean, he or them. Right you are.
Industrious! Next up, Dan Queefman.
He fights to stop the abuse of beavers.
There he goes. Takes off.
Oh! [Kenny] I think he abused himself right there.
[Vic] Right you are, Ken.
[exclaims] Here's Bill Johns.
He's an unemployed Microsoft window washer.
[Kenny] Yeah, he got a virus. Had to leave his job.
[Vic] That happens all too often. And there he goes right there.
Oh, Ken! No grip, no flex, no pole riding.
I represent Fishman, Shamash, and whitefish rapper Gefilte Ice.
Here's Johnny Hep. It's getting hot in here. I'm sweating. Oy!
He manages kosher sea life. Let's see what he's gonna do here.
He's the last chance for the environmental team.
And what a shame. He comes up short. [Kenny] He's in the sea.
Right you are, Ken, and that will do it.
The unemployed over the environment, 3 to 2.
[Kenny] Yeah, but they never showed up to get their award
because they were at home watching their programs. Indeed.
No wonder the unemployed won. They just lay around all day and don't do anything.
[chuckles] Ah, Kenny. And speaking of taking time off,
let's all lay back and enjoy...
[Kenny] Starting at number 10, our very own Guy LeDouche
gets a double load from Hillary Spank
and then gives her a spanking of his own.
At number 9, Dirk du Soliel, a.k.a. Elephant Boy.
He better buy a suitcase, 'cause his trunk is broke.
At number 8, Adam Ansel, who starts out gassy,
pushes too hard, and turns it into liquid.
And number 7 goes to McDumpers founder Ray Crack,
whose super-sized lunch goes to waste.
He should've brown-bagged it.
And number 6, unemployed souvenir finger-maker Randy Rank slips up
and wishes he'd never given up his hand job.
And number 5 has got to be Babette Johansson,
who sloppily rides the rod and ends up with a mouthful of wood.
At number 4, Ida Rank. She heads up a campaign to clean up our cans.
Now her can is filthy!
At number 3, hybrid S.U.V. maker Stonewall Granger.
As slippery and wet as it is, he still has trouble getting in.
At number 2, it's crustacean comber Chad Fester.
He gets his shell back cracked like an Alaskan king crab.
And my most painful elimination of the day goes to
urinal cake eater Sid Guzman, who whizzes by
out of control and has a really bad bidet.
Let 'em eat urinal cake.
Another great game, Ken, and what do we always say?
I'm over-worked. Indeed.
[all Don't get eliminated!
♪ [Japanese]
♪ [woman singing in Japanese]
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA